Letter To Heaven
by struckbylightening
Summary: When It's just too hard to look forward sometimes you have to look back... please read it and then review it! Also Chapter 3 Now Up!
1. Letter To Heaven

Set post Twilight and also post Kill Ari (1 and 2)

Set post Twilight and also post Kill Ari (1 and 2). It's a letter (what do you call them, letterfics?? Any ideas let me know!) This is my second fic (that I have uploaded!), so be nice. Not that I object to criticism. Anyway this is for the girl with the 'beautiful eyes' from the girl with 'the voice of an angel with a chest infection'. Mucho love.

I've wanted to write one of these for ages!! I think it's a disclaimer. But hell, I don't know. Anyway all I own is three balloons, a bendy green straw and a broken phone charger. I don't happen to own NCIS or the characters, unfortunately! 

Kate Todd

C/o God

Heaven

Somewhere up there

Dear Kate,

How is heaven? I hope it's warm and sunny and you've got all those cute little freckles sprinkled lightly across your nose like you get in summer when you've been out sunbathing for too long…

Please come back to me.

If I told you how much everyone missed you, would you find a way back to us? Find a way back to me? Because I miss you Kate. Since you left me I've been empty; my heart is stone cold and I don't feel anything anymore. Except for pain. A dull aching pain in my chest that reminds me every second that you're gone and there's no way to ease it. The truth is Kate, part of me died with you. And I wish it had been me instead of you. I wish it had been your face splattered with my blood and me lying on Ducky's autopsy table. I wish I'd had the sense to look up and check that there was no one left. I wish…

I have given up on wishing. It doesn't bring you back.

I guess I should probably mention Ziva. She's your 'replacement' except nobody says that. They just think it. Every time I look up at your desk I almost forget you're gone… but then I see her face and my heart sinks. She's nice Kate, you'd like her, but she's not you. And that's the point; it's never going to be you. The first few days were the hardest, every time someone said your name or something that reminded me of you I would run away and I would be sick. And then I had to go and see you in autopsy. That almost killed me. And I almost wish it had.

And now you're six feet under and all I want is to be lying there with you.

Now I should tell you about Ari. The bastard's dead Kate, shot dead in Gibbs' basement. I hoped that it might bring me some form of closure. It didn't. I just wish I'd been the one to kill him. I would have made him suffer for what he did to you. But when I saw his body… nothing. He was just another dead body to me.

You were the light in my life and now I'm living in darkness.

I want you back Kate. I want you back so badly. Your face haunts my nightmares when I do sleep and I haven't eaten for days. I'm not me anymore, I'm just a mess. And I know that maybe someday in my distant future I will fall in love again and I will give my heart to someone other than you, but you were my first love. I swear I will never ever forget you. And for now however hard I try to tell myself that you're gone, you've still got hold of my heart, Kate.

So finally, what do I do now?? You always knew what to do. Do I carry on and right the wrongs in my life and hope that when my time comes your God takes pity on me and lets me into heaven? Or do I take the coward's way out? Do I give up? If there is a heaven and you're there then I know I will never see you again, I'm off to hell for sure. But if there isn't, what have I got to lose?

I love you Kate. I wish I could say I will live every day for you, but I can't, I'm hardly living for myself. And you know that I can't live without you. Forgive me.

Tony

xx

Tony put his pen down. And he read what he had written. It was pure crap, but that was only to be expected. How would he get a letter to Kate? He almost laughed at his own stupidity. Kate was dead. And you don't get postmen in heaven. And anyway he wasn't even sure if there was a heaven or a hell. Or even a God. If there was a God then he must really hate him. What if there was a heaven and Kate was looking down at him right now laughing at the mess he had become? What if she'd never cared about him.

What If…

Then he thought of Kate and her unquestionable faith. But what if there's nothing out there. What if I was right and she was wrong, and when it all comes down to it, after you die you're just another nameless, faceless corpse buried in a wooden box under a pile of earth and the only people who remember you, or ever think of you again are the ones you left behind. And when they die you are forgotten, unless of course you did something great to help the world.

And Kate, though she hadn't given anything in particular to the world she had given something to him. She had taught him how to fall in love and get over all of his issues with commitment. She had held him close at night and told him that she loved him. And she had comforted him the few times that everything had got too much and he just couldn't take it anymore. It was ironic looking back now; how he had told her that 'she was an angel' every time she did something that helped him.

Tony felt his head go fuzzy. His ears filled with the sound of gunshots and he watched the gruesome scene play out in his mind. The bullet hit Kate and she collapsed. He wiped his forehead clean of her blood. He looked at Gibbs and his eyes were filled with hatred, anger and another emotion that Tony couldn't quite place. He had watched this scene in his head over and over again and yet he didn't know whether what he was watching really happened, or was a distorted version of the truth.

All he did know was that Kate was dead. He couldn't bring her back. And that he should have died in her place.

He got up and walked out of his apartment and towards his car. Maybe a drive would help to clear his thoughts.

Tony drove aimlessly around the blocks of apartments, his head still filled with her face. Kate laughing at a stupid joke, Kate getting a death stare from Gibbs, Kate when she'd just heard a stupid remark that he had made, so many Kate's running around in his head. But at the forefront of his mind was dead Kate, Kate with a bullet hole through her head lying on Ducky's autopsy table. The Kate that wasn't really Kate, but a shell of what she had previously been.

Suddenly bright white light filled his eyes. He heard the beep of a horn and the crushing of metal. And then he was still.

Sooooo… what do you think? I guess I got a bit carried away at the end do apologies. Anyway enjoy! And please, please, please review!!


	2. Nothing Anyone Could Do

Nothing Anyone Could Do

McGee sat in a daze as people swarmed around him. How could this have happened? How had he not noticed that Tony was so unhappy? McGee blamed himself. He looked up at Gibbs who was sitting next to him, head in his hands. The older agent obviously blamed himself too.

When Tony hadn't shown up for work the day before and hadn't answered his cell everyone had just thought that he was ill or had something better to do. After all, Tony often went off and did his own thing when he should have been working. Gibbs had become concerned at around midday, when they had still heard nothing from him. He had demanded that McGee get the car and had told him to drive to Tony's apartment straight away. McGee had, at that point, thought that it was a bit over the top, but he knew that you don't argue with Gibbs when he was in that kind of mood.

When they had arrived at Tony's apartment McGee had knocked on the door and called through politely before Gibbs had pushed him out of the way and had shouted that if Tony didn't get his ass out of the door within the next ten seconds he would break the fucking door down. Gibbs was as good as his word. As soon as the ten seconds were up he knocked down the door revealing an empty apartment. McGee had looked around the apartment to see if he could find any clues as to Tony's whereabouts. That was when he had found the letter.

"Boss," He had called, "I think you should see this."

Gibbs came over to where McGee was and had asked him what he had found. McGee had shown him the letter in Tony's hand writing. Gibbs had then taken the letter out of McGee's willing hands and had read it.

'…I love you Kate. I wish I could say I will live every day for you, but I can't, I'm hardly living for myself. And you know that I can't live without you. Forgive me.

Tony'

That was when the Gibbs' cell had begun to ring. He had let it ring a few times before answering it with the usual 'Yeah Gibbs'.

It had been Ziva. She had found Tony. Well, found wasn't quite the right word. She had received a phone call from the police explaining that they had found an Anthony DiNozzo and that he had been involved in a severe car accident.

McGee and Gibbs had rushed straight on to the hospital where Tony was being kept. When they had arrived at the hospital they had seen Ducky, Ziva and Abby already there and waiting. Abby was a mess her makeup was smeared all over her face and all over Ziva's jumper as the Goth was crying into Ziva's shoulder. Ducky had explained that no one was allowed to see Tony until his next of kin; Gibbs had almost lost it then

"Who's DiNozzo's next of kin then?" he had shouted angrily at no one in particular

It had turned out that Tony had registered Gibbs as his next of kin. So Gibbs had been in to see Tony's broken body. Now he sat with McGee in the hospital corridor. He had ordered Ducky to take Ziva and an exhausted Abby home. Abby had been crying non-stop for almost six hours and was about to collapse and Ziva was as pale as a ghost. Gibbs and McGee had remained at the hospital.

McGee sighed. Tony might be alive. But he was in a coma holding onto life by the tips of his fingers. And there was nothing that he or Gibbs or anyone could do to help him.


	3. A Night Like This

A Night Like This

A Night Like This

A/N Okay!! So chapter 3. I'm not so keen on this but I've had writers block for weeks so I was glad to be able to write anything!! This chapter is for Andy.

It had been almost three hours since Gibbs had ordered Ducky to take Ziva and Abby home. Abby had protested, insisting that if Tony woke up or if Tony died she had to be there. Gibbs had been the only person able to calm her down by promising to ring if anything happened. So they had gone. McGee had stayed with Gibbs at the hospital and now he sat in silence watching the older agent with his thoughts on Tony's letter to Kate. Particularly the last two sentences

'And you know that I can't live without you. Forgive me.'

"Boss," Whispered McGee breaking the silence that had been hanging over them, "You don't think that Tony… Tony did this on purpose do you?"

Gibbs looked at McGee as though he had just said the most ridiculous thing that he had ever heard. Gibbs was right though. Tony may be a bit arrogant and a bit immature and sometimes just downright irritating but he wasn't stupid and he would never do something that put other people at risk. Tony wasn't the suicidal type, but the letter had scared him. Tony was desperate to be with Kate. And Kate was dead. So the only way Tony could be with her would be to die himself.

"Go home McGee."

"What?"

"You heard me. Go home. There's no need for both of us to it here all night..." Gibbs turned away and walked towards the coffee machine. McGee sighed. Gibbs was right of course. There was no point in him being here. But he didn't like the idea of leaving Tony and being that far away. He saw Gibbs walking back down the corridor and realised that he had to go.

"I'll be back in the morning. I promise you, Tony" he whispered and walked away

Ziva sat in Abby's apartment holding her as she cried.

"He can't die Ziva. He can't die. He's not allowed to die." And then off she went into a fresh fit of hysterical tears. Ziva looked at the clock, it was late.

"Abby, Abby listen to me for a second" she said as she gently shook the Goth, "I have to go, it's late. I have to go" she repeated.

Abby looked up at her, her eyes covered in black smears, her bunches lopsided and her face deathly pale. There was something that Ziva found incredibly attractive about her, even when she looked like this. But now was not the time. Abby was scared, looking for something safe, something that she knew and something to hold onto while everything else fell apart. She had lost her best friend when Kate was shot and now Tony was lying in a hospital bed in a coma. Now was not the time to rock the boat. She would settle for being Abby's friend. For now.

"Don't go." Abby begged and fresh tears began to run down her face, "I don't want to be alone tonight."

She knew it would be a bad idea to stay. For both their sakes she had to go. She looked up to tell her this but caught a glimpse of Abby's face. She couldn't leave her like this, she just couldn't. Bad idea as it was to stay, it would be worse to leave Abby on her own at a time like this. She knew that Abby had been suffering since Kate's death worse than she had let on. She knew her secret. And she knew better than to leave her alone on a night like this. She sat down again and felt Abby curl up next to her like a cat.

"Thank you Ziva"

McGee paced up and down his apartment trying to make sense of what had happened. Trying to convince himself it was just a tragic accident and it was a coincidence that Tony had written a letter to Kate telling her how miserable he was and how he would do anything to be with her again. He told himself that, yes Tony had been sad and withdrawn and maybe a little depressed recently, but that was usual when someone you love dies and it didn't mean he would try and kill himself.

"What do you think Kate? What would you do? Everything's falling apart." He stopped shocked at the sound of his own voice. Here he was, asking for Kate's help. She was dead. She was dead and she was never coming back. And know he was talking to her as though she was God. But he was desperate. Tony was dying.

McGee felt tears running down his face as he walked outside. He knew how stupid he must look. He lifted his head to the black sky pierced with glittering silver stars and covered with a sprinkle of purple clouds, he heard the noises of the city, he saw the streetlamps and the windows filled with the glow of light. He felt the gentle breeze sweep across his face and he looked around. And this meant nothing to him. The simple pleasures in his life meant nothing. He would give everything up just to see Tony wake up and call him one of the nicknames he had made up. He turned his head back up to the sky.

"And if you ever really loved him Kate, if you ever cared for him, you'll know we need him. You'll leave him with us. Please. Please..."

A/N Ok... so I have some vague ideas of where this is going. I may take this chapter out because I'm not too keen on it but I'm just glad I finally got over my writers block!! Anyway as always reviews greatly appreciated especially to do with this chapter and where you'd like it to go. ¡¡Gracias!!


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